This is a journey I thought I would never need to take. I got all my wildness out of me in my 20's. Didn't commit to a marriage until I was 33. Looking back maybe I should not have committed at all but you know that biological clock all women have ticking away in the back of our brains? Well about 30 it really starts to go off and the snooze alarm won't work any more.
I had been proposed to before. Like a total of 5 times before that. There was always one thing I wanted that the others didn't so it was easy to break off the engagements cause that was a deal breaker. Then this man proposed.
I told him I wasn't a submissive housewife.
I told him I wasn't going to be passive.
I told him I needed an annual dose of adrenaline.
I told him I wanted one more thing.
He said he understood all of that and agreed to the one more thing. I agreed to marry him.
Now some of you may say...hey where is the love? Where is the passion? My life experiences up to that point had shown me that love is a commitment. Devotion. Passion is trouble and dangerous and hurtful (but that my friends is for a different post). The two didn't cross. If I wanted a committed love heavy duty passion could not play a part in it. So we married and I was happy and content. For a while.
Now when you live with someone you find out all kinds of things about them. I say this because I will never admit to being the innocent one in all of this I have my faults. A lot of them. Things I discovered about my husband during the early parts of our marriage. He had a propensity for porn. Now I really have no problem with porn. I should given my background and religious upbringing. But I don't. In fact I enjoy it. My husband did too just not with me. Sex became an issue for me. I had (have) a problem with my man engaging in porn, enjoying it getting himself off and then turning me down. Then when he finally would come to me...I would be like why?
Next thing I discovered. He believes that omission of information is not lying. I do not. I came to accept after about 10 years into our marriage we would never agree about this and starting at our 10 year anniversary I had decided that it just wasn't worth the battles anymore. Anything he said or didn't just take as a lie. It was easier that way and less stress than fighting about it.
So our marriage was a comfortable one but not a fulfilling one. For either of us. When he finally started to what appeared to get on board with the long standing issues I had. I was done. I mean so done I didn't even cry anymore. Everything just was. Within this time kids came along and everything continued to be just functioning.
Now jump forward about 1 month before our 16th wedding anniversary. I was bored and stressed. One of my friends who always helped me through times like that died 2-3 years before. She was my relief. I could be the person I was or always attempted to be in my real life before someone would tell me..."you just don't do that". Or if it was something sexually I wanted to try with my husband the response would be "let's just do what we do or that is sick". Everything is always the wife's fault. Not enough money-wife's fault. House not clean-wife's fault. Kids not behaving-wife's fault. So up front EVERY THING IS MY FAULT. I am tired of trying so I stopped. On one of these bad meltdown kind of days, missing my friend, I did what we would always do...read the personal ads on Craigslist. They were always good for a laugh. She would read my hers from CA and I would read her mine from my home state. It wasn't the same. Sure I would make jokes but without her to laugh or say "no no this one is better". It just didn't do it. Then I saw an add for a Daddy Dom. His icon was a picture with the title BDSM is not ABUSE. I read his post and then responded telling him first off I was not what he was looking for but I just wanted to tell him I liked his icon. He was polite and said thank you and asked if I was into the scene. I told him no but before I married I was introduced and started to dabble. But then my husband is vanilla and my experimentation ended when we got together. I had asked him questions about what his position is as a Daddy Dom.
I started thinking about before I was married and how I was introduced to the BDSM scene and how exciting I thought it was. Yeah the first time I saw someone whipped it is scary but thrilling as well. When I saw someone being bound in rope I saw beauty in the elegance of it. When I got to talk to the people afterwards both the Doms and subs I saw that it was a deeper relationship than anything I had ever experienced. Not before that, not since. So one night I sat and looked at myself and came to the conclusion that life is passing me by. My husband didn't want to do anything like that. In fact to say we actually had sex in the past 3 years. Him getting oral doesn't count. Me getting what passed in his book for oral doesn't count. But what so many don't understand about BDSM is that it is not just sex. It is about, for lack of a better description the foreplay up to sex. Heck sometimes there isn't any sex at all. Yet people generalize that BDSM is kinky sex.
So I asked the Dom about it. I told him I wasn't interested in being a sub. I am not sub material. I am married and for lack of what I was about to entertain I wasn't going to have sex. I got to try to sort this out before I totally lose my marriage. Granted some of you are thinking it is already lost but hope springs eternal and all that. The Dom said he didn't know any other way but he would guide me and I needed to accept him as Dom.
